Morbid Stories 2

Totally Unprofessional (00:23.181)
Bye!

Jack Skellington (00:34.182)
Welcome once again boys, girls and cheese bags to Tales from the Crawl Space podcast. I am your Dead Inside co-host Jack and across the country is the Mr. Totally unprofessional and singing in stereo, Brett Harvey.

Totally Unprofessional (00:36.768)
Yeah.

Totally Unprofessional (00:51.456)
For the first fucking time in God knows how long I am singing in stereo and I love it. my God. I gotta talk to you man, that dude that did the intro, I think he needs to roll him a little smaller next time because he's got a hell of a cough on his hands.

Jack Skellington (00:57.712)
Hahaha!

Jack Skellington (01:07.536)
Give a little bit of the...

Totally Unprofessional (01:09.612)
He did. The hawk tour.

Jack Skellington (01:12.39)
the hawks. Well, I'll tell you what, I got plans for that boy. I'm going to have him up here right after his birthday. His birthday is towards the end of June. It'll be his 21st birthday. So me and his godfather are going to get him up here on the mountain. We're going to put big old tomahawk steaks on the grill and have some adult beverages and sit here and just, his birthday is June 24th.

Totally Unprofessional (01:25.558)
Woo!

Totally Unprofessional (01:33.588)
When is this?

Totally Unprofessional (01:37.772)
Mm-hmm.

as the fates would have it. Damn. Because you and I were going to get together and take him out to a titty bar and feed him some steaks and then we were going to wake up and have a mustache kind of morning and serve hash browns and get him a hooker.

Jack Skellington (01:41.083)
So.

Jack Skellington (01:50.758)
Hell yeah!

Jack Skellington (01:57.99)
I'm sure he'll still be up for at least most of that. Yeah.

Totally Unprofessional (02:03.194)
yeah, well hell yeah. You know, goddamn, who wouldn't be? But yeah, so alright, we are TFTC Live, folks. So I'm looking over at the studio chat and I'm seeing a fucking thing. Where the hell are all y'all?

Jack Skellington (02:16.39)
Well, we got two people out there watching. We just ain't got nobody chatting.

Totally Unprofessional (02:19.942)
Okay, well you got the watchers and I'm looking for the chatters I'm looking for my regulars man. So bring it on here We are I know we were about half an hour late, but my spousal unit worked today so, you know, I got a feeder before we get on the show and yeah. So anyway, so, you know I before we get in before we get into the meat and taters of this I want to talk to everybody As you know everybody on PCHD pest control humor depot my favorite group

Jack Skellington (02:32.792)
Of course, of course.

Totally Unprofessional (02:49.492)
knows that I've been a little bit down on my luck and the love that everybody has shown me has been extraordinary. And I am just incredibly humbled from the messages, the well wishes, the love, the money, everybody sent and I can't thank you enough. it's humbling to the point of embarrassment. And so I just wanna...

I don't know what to say other than thank you. So thank you, every one of you. It's been probably one of the toughest moments of my life dealing with this. so I just wanted to let y'all know how much I really love and appreciate everybody.

Jack Skellington (03:36.432)
Well, I was telling you when everything was happening and I'll tell you again, you've become a dad to over 10,000 people on the depot and a lot of people look up to you, a lot of people rely on you and you're a lot of things to a lot of people and they're just showing you the love back that you've always shown them. So, know, turnabouts fair play, both bad and good. So.

Totally Unprofessional (04:02.006)
I don't deserve it. again, thank you everybody. I just want to let you know that probably by the end of, not this coming week, but the following week, I'm going to be back at it. I've gotten to the point where I don't have to wear the patch anymore and the bubble in my eyes getting smaller.

And so, know, things are taking care of themselves. And I could not have gotten to this point without the love and support of everybody on Pest Control Humor Depot, my favorite group. so, you know, I just wanted to get all that sappy shit out of the way so we can get down to the meat and potatoes of what we're talking about tonight, which is morbid stories.

Jack Skellington (04:29.84)
Good, good.

Jack Skellington (04:49.062)
Oh, we got Mario and Brandon are in the chat right now. Good to see both of you out there.

Totally Unprofessional (04:53.974)
What the fuck, man? It's like, what's the deal with my chat anymore? It's like, I'm not, I'm on studio chat again, Jesus H Christ. What the hell, man? Where is it at? I can't get on studio, or I can't get on chat.

Jack Skellington (04:57.53)
Are you on, you're yet on live stream chat, dammit. You're always in some other one. Come on, dammit.

Jack Skellington (05:12.752)
Go to the right-hand side of the screen, hit Chat, and then you'll see up top a little red thing that says Live on it. Go to Live Chat.

Totally Unprofessional (05:19.348)
Okay. All I've got is... Okay, there we go. Livestream chat. There he is! Mario and Brandon! my god. Okay. Yeah, I fucked up.

Jack Skellington (05:30.918)
Hot damn. That's all right. Well, morbid stories. know that we've technicians go into so many damn houses and see so many people. I mean, if you had a nickel for every house you've been in, if you've been doing it more than just a year, you'd have a good chunk of change in your pocket. But usually the law of averages catches up with you and you end up coming across something that you really wish you didn't have to come across.

Totally Unprofessional (05:57.966)
hell yeah.

Jack Skellington (05:58.99)
We've got some great stories this evening. I've got a story of my own. I remember Brad, were, I remember last time right around the Halloween last year, you told me that you had to jump over a body.

Totally Unprofessional (06:09.1)
Yes, I did Jack. It was one of the, it was the premier, you know, homeless mission at downtown Indianapolis, my fair city. Yeah, I had just arrived at the location to do the service. I had to do this early in the morning, say around five-ish or whatnot. So I'd get down there and take care the, get downstairs, take care of the kitchen before everybody got there, you know, the homeless people and the workers and stuff, volunteers to.

you know, provide a hot meal for our less unfortunate Hoosiers. And so I get there and right as I pull it onto the curb to go into the place, an ambulance comes right behind me. Usually I have to go through a string of flaming hoops to get into this building. Not today because the ambulance was there. I followed right in behind them. They were busy dealing with the check-in box in front. I went right behind them.

I was heading down to the basement to take care of my job and lo and behold, there's a homeless guy laying there dead in front of the doorway to the basement. Basically what I did, he had a blanket over him so I really didn't really see who he was or whatnot. So basically what I did was I opened the door, I threw my gear into the landing and just grabbed the doorway and hopped right over the fucker and got downstairs and got my business done. Not my proudest moment but.

Jack Skellington (07:14.734)
My boy.

Totally Unprofessional (07:35.564)
It was a moment where I actually got the job done. And I, you know, after I got done with it, everything I texted my boss, let him know what was going on. And basically all he said was pictures are, didn't happen. So you're the fun side of take pictures of that. You know, Oh, well, hell yeah. You know, you know, know, Jack, boss would have said that, pictures are, didn't happen.

Jack Skellington (07:51.024)
That would have been my response. I would have been like, over the picture.

Jack Skellington (07:57.456)
picture didn't happen.

Totally Unprofessional (08:00.01)
But yeah, that's what happened. I actually stepped over a dead person to get a fucking service done for a company that I don't even own. So yeah, it was something else. Hey, Red Day!

Jack Skellington (08:09.315)
Rodney showed up.

Jack Skellington (08:15.481)
Well.

Totally Unprofessional (08:15.542)
Said Brandon, the longest weak dude.

Jack Skellington (08:19.078)
Yeah, it has been for I've heard a lot of people talk about how long of a week it was. know that, uh, Ms. Jenny from the Pastry Jim podcast says that she's been getting Jack Hammered in the doo doo hole with her job. Yeah.

Totally Unprofessional (08:23.68)
yeah! hell yeah!

Totally Unprofessional (08:30.184)
the cheese daughter? Yeah, yeah, she's been talking to me, talking about how she's been getting reamed. So yeah, it's chronic. It's totally chronic. And I can't believe I'm actually looking forward to getting in there and getting reamed myself, because I'm fucking done with this fucking medical shit.

Jack Skellington (08:50.03)
Yeah, I guess, you know, for a day or two sitting around is pretty good, but, know, after a while you'd be like, man, I got to do something.

Totally Unprofessional (08:55.018)
Yeah.

Hell yeah, I mean look at me man, I look like my dad anymore. Nothing wrong with that, but my dad's been retired for 30 years now I think.

Jack Skellington (09:12.474)
Well, I'll tell you, being retired, you figure, you know, I've to do something. Sometimes that something is nothing, and I'm OK with that.

Totally Unprofessional (09:19.467)
Mm-hmm. All right, nothing wrong with that. You're retired, so. But you always manage to have something going on, be it your hummingbirds or your ribeye steaks or your something. ooh, yeah. I've got to see your boy.

Jack Skellington (09:22.938)
Yeah, right.

Jack Skellington (09:32.166)
Going up to see my boy and I'm going to military school tomorrow. This weekend is our alumni weekend. It'll be my 36th year that I've been graduated from Fort Kennedy Military Academy. And I'm gonna go ahead and pimp out Tony right now, because I'm taking my tumbler with me.

Totally Unprofessional (09:44.106)
I'll you now.

Totally Unprofessional (09:51.396)
let's, go ahead and talk about Tony real quick. So let's get his ass out of the way. But yeah. I mean, what could be said about the Tony Spangler tumbler that hasn't already been said time and time again. I mean, take a look at the graphics on that. Look at that. A handsome motherfucker right there with the cigar. And then you come over and over the other side, you got another handsome stud waiting for you right there, right around the corner. Yeah. Yeah. Jack and I, you you ordered this particular type of Jack and I are be spit roasting you with every sip.

Jack Skellington (09:54.106)
Love.

Jack Skellington (10:01.749)
yes.

Jack Skellington (10:05.516)
So, yeah, handsome.

That sexy motherfucker right there.

Jack Skellington (10:19.163)
That's right.

Totally Unprofessional (10:20.234)
Yeah, and the graphics, I mean, look at the lettering on that. I mean, this tumbler here is at least a year old now, and just look at it, man. It has held up over washing and washing and washing because I am OCD, and I gotta have clean shit to drink out of. Now, Jack.

Jack Skellington (10:38.106)
This one's easily a year old because I've had this since the last Alumni Day last year, so it's easily a year old. It's just as gorgeous as the day I got it.

Totally Unprofessional (10:42.444)
See, there you go. Now Jack, mine is full, so I would be spilling shit all over myself if I was to try to display what's going on underneath.

Jack Skellington (10:54.01)
Well, you didn't say spit roasting, so you know which end I'm going to get because I do love the rubber bottom. I love the rubber bottom.

Totally Unprofessional (10:59.2)
Fucking a that's right. Yep. There you go And that thing that thing's not gonna go anywhere, know You set that rubber bottom on a hard surface and yeah, it's it's it's it's not going anywhere But Jack will make sure that it does and yeah. Hell yeah, buddy, and I'll tell you what though at any time that you get a Tony Spangler tumbler it's gonna come with a little something extra for you. Yeah

Jack Skellington (11:06.875)
No.

Jack Skellington (11:10.884)
Activity Herd Service.

Jack Skellington (11:16.27)
It's a horned serpent, baby.

Jack Skellington (11:27.149)
yes, yes.

Totally Unprofessional (11:28.852)
Yeah, it can only be the one thing, buddy. It's gotta be that stainless steel surgical grade, urethral sounding rod with the curved tip. It's a surprise every time you get one. You may get one with the curved tip, you may get one that's absolutely straight. Either way, it's gonna take care of that scar tissue for you. yeah, exactly. Peyronie's disease, not a problem. Tony can handle it.

Jack Skellington (11:33.146)
Yeah.

Jack Skellington (11:44.87)
See, Tony knows. Tony knows. Tony knows.

Jack Skellington (11:55.118)
You can slip it right up your penis.

Totally Unprofessional (11:57.964)
Absolutely. And you you want something funky on the, on the Tumblr, Tony will take care of you. And so, I mean, it's just an all around, all around, um, you know, a good deal. It's win-win. you know, so you know, ladies and gentlemen, if you got that need for a great Tumblr, that's going to keep your cold stuff cold and your hot stuff hot, something that's not going to slip off when you're getting too drunk and maybe knock it off the desk.

Jack Skellington (12:11.066)
really is.

Totally Unprofessional (12:24.22)
And, you know, if you're trying to piss everything out and you can't, there's only one place to go.

Totally Unprofessional (12:38.36)
absolutely. Yeah. How about that? How about that? How about that jingle, man? Let's say, let's talk about a little bit. Who gave it to us?

Jack Skellington (12:39.248)
Yeah, baby

Jack Skellington (12:47.69)
That is Mr. JT Starry, my handsome and almost 21 year old son, JT Starry. If you go to Facebook, he has a page called JT Starry VO, which means voice overs. And he will do jingles, music, podcast intros like he does for us every show, like he's done for the Pastor Jim podcast, like he's done for the special episode of Shit Goes on in Our Heads. He's done episode intros for a lot of different shows.

and he'll be happy to do one for you. Contact him through the JT Story VO page on Facebook.

Totally Unprofessional (13:20.278)
What a guy, man, at JT, I'm telling you what. And to think that right now he's only 20 years old, is able to do this stuff. This guy is a fucking juggernaut of voiceovers and jingles. So yeah, definitely take a look at him. I mean, your business, well, thank you. Absolutely. So yeah, got quite a few stories tonight, Jack. So I have got...

Jack Skellington (13:23.514)
That's my boy.

Jack Skellington (13:37.381)
Yes, it will.

Jack Skellington (13:43.483)
We do.

Totally Unprofessional (13:46.144)
I've got one, a lot of people, you know, lot of people ask me to keep these anonymous. So I think we're just going to go ahead and just keep all of them anonymous, just to make sure that we don't fuck up and spill the beans on somebody. Okay. So.

Jack Skellington (13:58.744)
Okay, now if yours wasn't supposed to be anonymous and we read it anonymous, just know that we certainly appreciate it and we love you for giving it to us, but just in case we don't want anybody to get in trouble, so we just want to be sure.

Totally Unprofessional (14:06.003)
Exactly.

Totally Unprofessional (14:11.136)
Positive yeah, yeah, yeah, we don't yeah, you know, we're not trying we're not trying to Take your thunder away from you anyway We just want to make sure everybody's safe because this is this is one of those safe spaces Jack

Jack Skellington (14:17.072)
No, not at all.

Jack Skellington (14:22.278)
Thanks, thanks, thanks, baby.

Totally Unprofessional (14:24.086)
That's a safe space, yes. We are all welcome here. Your life matters. So anyway, so let's get on with the first one, okay? This is anonymous. I know you're listening, so you know who you are. So three years ago, I got the nickname Grim Reaper from our admin team. So one day I go to an apartment complex that's ran by, let's say, Hillsgate, the maintenance man, and myself are going door to door knocking and announcing that we're coming in.

Jack Skellington (14:27.416)
It's a warm and moist safe mate.

Totally Unprofessional (14:53.856)
Well, we get to one of those last apartments on the schedule and we knock two or three times. Normally this is a tenant who is always home. She's very nice, always pleasant, however no answer. Her neighbor came out and said, yeah, I haven't seen her in a couple days, not sure where she's at. So the maintenance man proceeds to put the key in the door, knock one more time and slowly push the door open. By this time I noticed a buildup of flies in the window swarming around her AC unit.

Jack Skellington (15:20.71)
Totally Unprofessional (15:23.052)
with an odor and before I could get in the words, get the words out, don't open it, he swings the door open to having her face down in a puddle of her own blood. The EMTs and coroner showed up and said it looked like she had a heart attack and she'd been about three or four days that the blood was probably from a broken nose.

The very next day, in a completely different city, I go to an extended stay hotel. I get there and I'm waiting for the hotel manager who lives on the property to come up and give me the list of vacant rooms she wants us to treat. Her assistant said she saw her earlier that morning, but hadn't seen her in a couple hours. One of the maintenance guys goes around looking for her and they find her in her rocking chair gone.

Two days later I go to a different property. this guy is fucking, this guy is fucking the Grim Reaper. Hell yeah. Shit yeah, man. Two days later I go to a different property ran by Hell's Gates and because they were short staffed, I had the same maintenance man with me at this property in a different town. We get to two buildings and we knock, no answer. Go inside and don't see anything unusual at all except for the gentleman who lived in this apartment was sleeping on a futon.

Jack Skellington (16:18.63)
He's betting a thousand.

Totally Unprofessional (16:44.012)
I looked at the maintenance man and said, hey, is he alive? Because we're being loud and he didn't move. Maintenance man walked over to the guy, looked at him and said, yeah, he's alive. So are you sure? He goes, yeah. Okay, well, we finish up the property and we go home. The next month I come back to that property. I'm talking to the property manager to find out the gentleman in that apartment had a welfare check done on him two days later.

to which the fire department found him gone in the same spot. I'm not sure what the record is for finding folks on the line on their route, but I need a drink after all that. Oh my God, man, what the fuck? Holy shit, yeah, right? I mean, you poor fucker, and you're still doing this. That says a lot about your character.

Jack Skellington (17:22.305)
Yeah, I would too. Fuck, man.

Three for three! Holy shit!

Jack Skellington (17:37.008)
Yeah, yeah. We've got friends that have told us stories before about seeing a whole bunch of them. Now, I have to say our morbid episode, the very first one, the very first season of Tales from the Crossbase back in 2020, we did a morbid episode. I think it was like the second or third episode we did. And I told a story then, which I'll tell now for people who were new to the show and haven't gone all the way back to the archive yet.

Totally Unprofessional (17:52.545)
Yep.

Jack Skellington (18:04.134)
because we are what 110 some episodes now. So yeah, we got a good library going. So I was in Martinsburg, West Virginia doing an apartment complex. And there was this one lady who would never let us in ever, ever, ever. She would duct tape the seams of her door. She would not allow you to come in. She changed, she put a chain on the door.

Totally Unprofessional (18:07.008)
Yeah, yeah.

Jack Skellington (18:32.302)
So if you were trying to get in she was in there, you couldn't get the door open. Now, I'm usually followed around by a maintenance guy. He has the keys. He lets me in the apartments. I was doing a rotation. So I was doing two buildings a visit. And I was about halfway through the second building and something comes over the little two-way radio. The maintenance guy has going, hey, she's gone. Can you go over there and get, take care of her room? And I looked at him and he goes,

Totally Unprofessional (18:35.894)
Yeah.

Jack Skellington (18:57.862)
Remember that lady that won't let us in? I'm like, yeah. goes, well, she's gone. So that means the chain's not on the door. So we went down to that apartment. He let me in and the door from the duct tape holding the, from the inside of the door on the seam of the door. So walk in, smells off, but a lot, a lot of apartments smell off, but not dead. So, so I, you know,

Totally Unprofessional (19:12.516)
huh. Yep.

Totally Unprofessional (19:19.371)
Hmm.

Totally Unprofessional (19:22.86)
Yeah.

Jack Skellington (19:25.186)
inspecting, going to the kitchen, nothing in the trash can, brand new bag. Now come out of the kitchen, make a right, there's a door on my left and it's like a spare bedroom. Look in there, there's a cot that's been slept on and like a Bible and some other stuff in there. So that room's been used. Farther down on the right is the hall bathroom. Looked in there, checked the trash can, nothing unusual.

Totally Unprofessional (19:29.228)
Right.

Totally Unprofessional (19:44.14)
Mm-hmm.

Jack Skellington (19:52.422)
tissues and I think a sanitary napkin wrap or whatever, nothing funky. But the closer I got to the back bedroom, the not so great it started smelling. Knock on the door, nobody answers. I announced myself, knock on the door again, nobody answers. So I cracked the door open and I kind of peek in and with the curtains pulled, there's still a little bit of light filtering into the room. So you can kind of see a shadow on the bed. And I'm like, oh shit, I'm sorry. And I closed the door.

Totally Unprofessional (20:16.384)
Mm-hmm.

Jack Skellington (20:21.604)
I really didn't mean to, I'm sorry. Nobody says anything. So I'm like, hello, did I see what I saw? I'm not sure. So I kind of pop in and I take the end of my B and G where the tip, where it kind of bends out of the tip and I hit the light switch. I turn the light switch on and there's this woman in bed with like the nightgown with like the ruffles around the neck and everything. And she's got the blanket pulled like up to her collarbones and she's obviously dead.

Totally Unprofessional (20:36.705)
Yeah.

Totally Unprofessional (20:45.483)
Yeah.

Jack Skellington (20:51.022)
I mean, faith sunken in and everything, but her hair was brushed and she was looking like someone was maintaining the body. And I go out and tell the maintenance guy, I'm all kind of skeeved. And it turns out this woman came over from Africa and brought her mother from the old world and found God, found Christianity, more power to her. And when her mom died,

Totally Unprofessional (20:51.276)
Totally Unprofessional (21:04.31)
Mm-hmm.

Totally Unprofessional (21:14.604)
All right.

Jack Skellington (21:18.682)
She thought that if she prayed hard enough to God that God would bring her mother back so she was like lotioning her mom's face and everything just to keep her supple until God brought her back.

Totally Unprofessional (21:31.574)
Yeah, because God does prefer the supple over the rugged.

Jack Skellington (21:34.98)
Well, who doesn't prefer supple, really? I mean, come on. I mean, I would not want a ragged pair of cheeks in front of me. If I'm going to be tongue-punching a fart box, I'd rather it be supple.

Totally Unprofessional (21:36.908)
Yeah. I get it. I get it.

Totally Unprofessional (21:45.292)
Yeah, Well, yeah, do you to touch? are you you really want to touch a dead fart box?

Jack Skellington (21:56.654)
Well, if I had to, I'd rather be supple.

Totally Unprofessional (21:59.628)
Oh, well, it's going to be supple because you don't have to read or mortise sets in things tend things Relax and dial eight. Oh My god, yeah, they do they do make special divide corners do our morticians do have special devices They'll keep things from let's just say leaking out a little screw. Yeah, they're like fucking screw things. I like the things you put it on orange that squeeze it to get the juice out but

Jack Skellington (22:03.738)
Everything kind of relaxes.

Jack Skellington (22:08.048)
That'll make entry a lot easier too.

Jack Skellington (22:20.32)
I've seen those, those little screw things that go up in air.

Totally Unprofessional (22:28.832)
This keeps the juicy.

Jack Skellington (22:30.414)
It's called an AV plug, anal vaginal plug. It's called an AV plug. And they have these things that look like contacts that have little sharp bumps on them because some people just, their eyes won't stay closed once they pass. So they got to pull the eyelid back, pop this thing on and pull the eyelid over and it kind of grabs on into the eyelid on the inside and keeps them from opening. So you got to figure on the walk.

Totally Unprofessional (22:34.548)
well, I'm absolutely glad you know that.

Totally Unprofessional (22:46.398)
Yeah.

Totally Unprofessional (22:54.737)
fuck yeah. no, not me man.

Jack Skellington (22:58.712)
On the walk in dead, you gotta figure there's people walking around with these plastic butt plugs and shitting their eyeballs.

Totally Unprofessional (23:05.356)
I'm gonna put in a special request to the whatever funeral home does me. It's like, don't want those, man. I just want to look like they're there when somebody's laying there and they just go doink. My eyes just pop right the fuck open on them. It's like, surprise!

Jack Skellington (23:16.55)
Hahaha!

Jack Skellington (23:22.438)
Do know that's why they call it awake back in the old days? Because.

Totally Unprofessional (23:26.451)
That's true, yeah, because the body sits in the house for three days just to make sure that you're not chucking a live dude in the hole.

Jack Skellington (23:36.902)
And some graves used to have a little rope string with a bell that went from the vault to next to the headstone because if someone woke up in the fucking coffin, they'd be like, hey, what the fuck, man?

Totally Unprofessional (23:48.592)
Well, yeah, and that and that and that three days actually does come from the New Testament because you know, know Jesus Jesus was dead and he laid he laid there for three days and all sudden surprise Surprise here's some chocolate bunnies

Jack Skellington (24:02.415)
Yeah, well.

Jack Skellington (24:06.598)
Have a horrible day while you at it.

Totally Unprofessional (24:08.384)
That's right, have a heart-bolded egg and somebody ran a sharpie across.

Jack Skellington (24:11.934)
Let's see, got, you know, when you hear this, you know you sent it to me. And thank you so much because the stories are fucking fantastic. one here, it says, Mormon submission. So this happened back when my old man was running the show. He would hire the first guy that showed up for an interview that it would be my job to get him trained up and ready for the field. Now, this one particular guy had me scratching my head from the moment I met him.

A very strange dude. Not just nervous, but damn near manic at times. I hated him, and by the end of the first day, I figured that I'd still give him, I'm sorry, let me reread that. I hated him by the end of the first day, but I figured that I would still give him a chance. By the third day, I knew that he wasn't going to make it and that I was just wasting my time. That afternoon, I got a call from a buddy of mine who owned a funeral home.

My friend told me that there was a dead rat floating in the water fountain in the garden of his funeral home. No problem. So my dead weight trainee and I headed on down. When I told the ugly guy we were heading, he started getting anxious. Do we have to go inside? Ugh. I explained that in this line of work, we go wherever we need to go. He didn't like that answer. So we get there and sure enough, there's a bloated rat bobbing in the pool.

I tell the guy to grab some gloves and a plastic bag and let's go. He comes back from the truck and hands me the gloves. Nah, man, this one's for you. He gloves up, walks up to the fat and then proceeds to put on a show for my buddy, the funeral director and I. By training, he just couldn't work up the nerve to grab that waterlogged rat. My buddy looks at me. I'm embarrassed and whispered to him. I can't stand the guy. I think today is his last day with us. Then my buddy...

Totally Unprofessional (25:44.138)
Hahaha!

Totally Unprofessional (25:48.787)
shit.

Totally Unprofessional (25:55.242)
He gets.

Jack Skellington (26:03.312)
who has a great sense of humor and who's had, I've had many a beer or three with over the years, whispers to me, can I fuck with him? Yeah, sure, have at it. So I take over the rat extraction mission. The trainee apologizes and said it was just too gross. Then my director drinking buddy says, I need you guys to inspect the basement. I've heard things down there.

Totally Unprofessional (26:13.004)
Of course! I would be remiss if you didn't.

Jack Skellington (26:30.82)
So my brave little trainee then proceeds to follow us into the funeral home. I could hear him sweating. We head straight to the basement and into the embalming room. I told him, you inspect this room. I'm going to go check the rest of the basement. And we left him in there alone. Meanwhile, we're laughing our asses off in my friend's office down the hall. About 10 minutes later, we go find the guy. He was standing in the hallway right where I left him, clearly uncomfortable. Nothing's in there, was all that he said.

Totally Unprofessional (27:00.584)
Ha

Jack Skellington (27:00.71)
I just shook my head and said, come on, let's get out of here. No arguments from him. As we were about to leave, my buddy, who I then learned was a bigger jag off than me, goes, hold on. There's one more room that opens a door. Turns out that room was the display room for caskets, the place where you go to pick the final resting place for your dearly departed.

Totally Unprofessional (27:12.652)
Yeah

Totally Unprofessional (27:20.204)
shit. Mm-hmm.

Jack Skellington (27:27.312)
There must have been six or seven of them in there. My training just froze. My cohort then walks over and begins to open one of the caskets. That was the breaking point. I'll be in the truck, was all he said and left. Once I regained my composure, I joined him. It was a long silent ride back to the shop. We pull into the parking lot and he goes, I don't think this is the job for me. He got out of the truck, walked straight to his car and left. Never punched out, never turned his uniform in, nothing. Now, was I a dick?

Maybe. But over the years, my friend and I have laughed about that story over many beers. So maybe it was worth it.

Totally Unprofessional (28:04.896)
Yeah, first and foremost, sir, you are not a dick. This is one of the things that you deal with in our profession. My very first day, my service manager took me to an incredibly bad apartment complex, Section 8, we'll go into that, some other show. But he gave me a can of aerosol, PT270 Dursban, to be exact, with a little straw in it. And he goes, stick that straw in between the cabinets.

Jack Skellington (28:09.123)
No.

Totally Unprofessional (28:34.58)
I stuck the strongly between the cabinets as instructed because you know, I'm a good boy. And I hit the button and fucking roaches just poured all over me. And I was a tad horrified to say, but I also remembered that I had a one year old daughter and bills to pay and a mortgage and all this other good horse shit. So I was like, fuck this man, they're just bugs. just like, yo, fucking, just took my hand.

Jack Skellington (28:50.95)
you

Totally Unprofessional (29:03.148)
and did this and just like squeegeed them all off of me. it's like, brrrr, you know, on the counter, they're on their backs like, oh, Mr. Harvey, spare me. It's like, fuck you. And just blasted them some more. On the drive home, back to the office, my brand new boss asked me, what'd you think of that? I said, yeah, that was a little bit disgusting. He goes, you think you can handle that? I said, yeah, no problem. He goes, you got no problem then. You that was 30 some years ago.

Jack Skellington (29:04.752)
Hahaha!

Totally Unprofessional (29:31.774)
So yeah, I'm a lifer. And those are the things that let you know from the get go whether or not you're going to make it in this business. And the sooner you find that shit out, the better. Because if you're 10 years in and you have to run across a situation like this for the first time, and then you find out, odds are you're fucked.

because you've got 10 years invested into this stuff and you're just now finding this out, it's like what the fuck? Yeah, maybe you should go flip burgers. yeah, mean, the sooner the better. And if you can't make it, there's no shame in it. Go ahead, leave, don't clock out, don't turn your uniforms in. Exactly, cut your losses and find something else that's more suited to your delicate personality and constitution.

Jack Skellington (30:03.13)
Mm-hmm.

Jack Skellington (30:18.502)
Cut your losses,

Yep.

Totally Unprofessional (30:28.524)
But, you know, if you're in it, you're in it, man. And you know from day one whether or not you're gonna do this for the rest of your life.

Jack Skellington (30:37.286)
It's like when I had the brown recluse babies down the back of my shirt. That'll run you off.

Totally Unprofessional (30:40.928)
Yeah, exactly. That, while not morbid, was very amusing. At least the way, you just fleshed that story out just so well, Jack. It was just wonderful. I mean, I was entertained. I wasn't just horrified, I was entertained. But, hey, you're such a storyteller, Jack. Speaking of stories, I got more, man.

Jack Skellington (30:56.056)
It's a wonderful story and you tell it so well.

Jack Skellington (31:08.035)
yes, yes, yes, let me hear.

Totally Unprofessional (31:08.074)
Yeah, we're always in here dwelling on a lot of shit here. Let's, I've got another one here. For reference, before I started my business, like the late great old Ivy, I worked for a small company with only a few techs. They built their company on word of mouth and doing good work for low cost in a community where everybody knows everybody. That will be important later on. Okay, that right, that tells me right now this is gonna be a long ass story.

But I had the work order to do an inspection at home that was going to come up for sale. The agent wanted to ensure that all pest issues, flies and rodents had been mediated prior to the sale. This house in rural Astoria, Oregon was only a few miles from the house I grew up in in the heart of farm country, mostly dairy, beef, hay, and the occasional cereal crop. I was thinking, it's the country, there's going to be some flies.

and rodents. How bad can it be? Roll up to the farm with the old steel tube, old tube steel gate. I didn't have a gate bitch, so I hopped out and opened it up. I was hit with smells of home cow shit and hay. That's fucking money right there. This is one of the old dairy farms that was an original partner of the Tillamook Farmers Co-op, which by the way makes delicious cheese. The gravel driveway was long. Maybe I added that cheese.

Jack Skellington (32:19.75)
That's money. That's the smell of money.

Totally Unprofessional (32:35.64)
It was long, maybe 500 yard and then forked up to the top. Left to the barns, equipment sheds, milky sheds, et cetera, et cetera, and right was the farmhouse. A little two-story pink house with a half sub-basement, which is super common out there. Opened the door with the key the agent gave me. The smell of death and decay overpowered every other smell in the air and may have scorched my nose hairs. Brad, he's talking to me personally. Brad?

I have never seen so many flies in my life. Maybe more flies in this house than I have actually seen in my entire life. Good news was that the majority of them were already dead. So there's that. Going to the basement with my trusty Phoenix flashlight, never heard of it. Wood-fired furnaces were also fairly common out there and the folks would store firewood in the basement. I pointed my light to the back of the basement where the wood pile was and had about 16 cents of eyes looking back at me.

Jack Skellington (33:17.647)
Mm-hmm.

Totally Unprofessional (33:34.604)
I won't bore with I won't bore you with how I got these issues under control But I had to find out what happened at this house and here is where a small town things comes back I call a former co-worker of mine at the sheriff's office to see if maybe I can get some details Come to find out he was a deputy and did the welfare check Where is this going hang tight? several months

It was like, okay, I am at the edge of my seat right now, so let's move on. Several months prior, the rural mail carrier, according to the deputy, would hand deliver the mail to the owner of the house who was in her 90s and lived alone. She had come back from maternity leave and was delivering the mail as usual. When she arrived at the house, she called 911 for a welfare check on the woman because the windows of the house were blacked out with flies. My buddy shows up to do the welfare check.

The door was locked, but the back door was unlocked. After going through the appropriate channels, he entered into the home. The poor woman had passed and had been gone for weeks, if not well over a month.

Excuse me a second. The flies had emerged... Fuck. The flies had emerged from her body, but more so. He stated that she was almost unidentifiable because the rodents had found her as well. Fuck. Like an all-you-can-eat buffet for the rats and flies. Chew marks on protruding bones and maggots on nearly every square inch of remaining flesh.

Jack Skellington (34:59.366)
you

Jack Skellington (35:03.127)
Yummy!

Totally Unprofessional (35:10.048)
The heart wrenching conclusion to this story is that the woman lived alone but had a gaggle of children that lived several states over and none of them knew their mother was dead or maybe didn't care she was dead until being contacted by the sheriff's office. Jack, I believe you have a video of some of this.

Jack Skellington (35:20.289)
Jesus.

Jack Skellington (35:26.278)
That's a shame.

Jack Skellington (35:35.28)
video of this.

Totally Unprofessional (35:37.046)
Did I not send you a little video, a little snippet of something a little while back?

Jack Skellington (35:43.398)
I think, yeah, yeah. Now I remember, I now remember. I believe I do.

Totally Unprofessional (35:48.874)
Yeah, yeah, this is this is probably the first story contribution that we have received on Tales from the Carlsbad that actually had a fucking video with it now. Now the video itself does not contain, you know, dead, unrecognizable 90 year old women, but flies, flies, flies. And yeah, it was pretty, it was pretty gnarly. Back when I worked at the Big Green Tea, I had a situation where I had to go into an apartment in Newcastle.

Jack Skellington (36:09.583)
yeah, I remember that. Yep. Yep.

Totally Unprofessional (36:17.76)
where a similar situation took place. The person that was there expired, assumed room temperature as late Rush Limbaugh would say, and the flies were hideous. And I had to go in there and my mission in this whole thing was to take care of the flies. You know, we talk about, you know, smelling dead stuff as far as mice and things like that. This is nothing like that. This is absolutely nothing like that. This is actually more.

Jack Skellington (36:42.072)
No. No, no.

Totally Unprofessional (36:46.38)
I don't know a better way to describe it as far as humans, it almost smells cooked, you know?

Jack Skellington (36:54.234)
Yeah. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Totally Unprofessional (36:56.012)
You've been there. You know what I'm talking about, right? I mean, it almost smells cooked, which makes it even more disgusting.

Jack Skellington (37:12.965)
Ha!

Totally Unprofessional (37:13.27)
Fuck, you go in and you deal with the flies and that's that, but goddamn man. Yeah, I feel for this dude that gave me this story. So thank you very much for contributing to that. holy shit, man. Holy shit.

Jack Skellington (37:27.59)
Well, I want to show you something. I just found out a little feature of our new podcast host here. yeah. So I want to show you this. Tell me if you see it on the screen, because remember we were talking about tongue punching in a fart box, and I prefer it to be supple. Watch the screen. This is what Brandon had to say. Ready?

Totally Unprofessional (37:36.481)
really?

Totally Unprofessional (37:44.65)
Yes?

Totally Unprofessional (37:51.116)
Bring it!

Jack Skellington (37:52.544)
Did you see it?

Totally Unprofessional (37:56.822)
Brandon, you sick fuck.

Jack Skellington (37:59.142)
And I'll say this is a long one, but Mario chimed in on the chat and I think everybody should see this and I'll read it out loud. We serve a company which runs five huge cemeteries. It's one of the first places we send our new guy. And of course we call the client to let them know there's a new guy coming. Set him to the cemetery, fuck him up. That's awesome.

Totally Unprofessional (38:21.185)
damn, Sam. God, we're really moving up in the world, man. All this different shit.

Jack Skellington (38:25.978)
Hell yeah, we got the jingle on the show and the intro on the show instead of me having to put it on and post and everything. So I got a twofer story thing here. I got twofer. Hey bud, you know, I haven't had quite so many in the last year or two, but the most recent one was pretty weird. I was in a unit next door to the one with the body in it and the maintenance guy started making all these sounds in the hallway.

Totally Unprofessional (38:39.338)
You have my attention.

Jack Skellington (38:53.68)
that I thought were kind of weird. So I leave the apartment I'm in and I go over to the next one and he's standing on the doorway yelling. And I look through the doorway and I see someone in the bed with their eyes open staring at us. I couldn't figure out what was going on for a quick second. Then I realized that he was yelling at this person who was dead. I couldn't tell from where I was at the threshold. So I walked over towards the body while the guy was yelling and

and I walked over to check for a pulse and the body was as hard as a rock. Apparently this guy had fallen in the building the day before and hit his head on the ground and subsequently refused medical treatment. Apparently his fall was severe enough that he must have had some sort of brain bleed or something and died during his sleep or you know, woke up and then died. But it was the first time ever found somebody with their eyes wide open like that. That can be disturbing.

Totally Unprofessional (39:42.208)
shit.

Totally Unprofessional (39:50.277)
yeah. Yeah. hell yeah. Yep. Definitely. Good lord.

Jack Skellington (39:52.358)
That can be seriously disturbing.

and he goes, and I also had a, now forgive me. think, I think our friend was using voice to text while on the job. So sometimes voice to text tends to butcher things. So I'm to do my best here. Cause I also had a pretty good one about a little over a year ago. I had a new female employee coming in to work a massive bed bug job with me and it's called an SRO.

Totally Unprofessional (40:09.184)
Mm-hmm. this ought to be good.

Jack Skellington (40:23.898)
which stands for single room occupancy. They're like really the worst and shittiest of all the places that you can live. It's like one big room, you put your cot in it and everything, you know, I guess. You know, have like a little efficiency stove. That's my interjection there. I kind of prepared her beforehand about the nature of the place. And I assured her that while things can get crazy out here, it's usually not that, not in occurrence.

Having said that, the third apartment we enter, we find a guy who is basically what we like to call a blower, which is the guy who has been dead for so long that the gases are starting to just tend his belly a little bit. And that's about to burst. She saw that and the parade of cops and EMTs is coming in after that. And then I thought they better put a new job listing on indeed ASAP. Believe it or not, she stuck it out and didn't quite after that.

Totally Unprofessional (40:54.444)
Hmm

Totally Unprofessional (41:00.876)
you

Totally Unprofessional (41:09.278)
Yes, go on.

Jack Skellington (41:20.292)
which I thought was pretty phenomenal for a lady. Are you okay?

Totally Unprofessional (41:24.096)
Yeah, go on, go on. Yeah, not anymore. Yeah, you had me a blower.

Jack Skellington (41:27.334)
Get ready to barf.

Jack Skellington (41:34.65)
Yeah, yeah, well. That's the reverse of tongue punching in a fart box,

Totally Unprofessional (41:40.808)
hell yeah. When it punches back, yeah, you got a problem.

Jack Skellington (41:45.936)
The sack that punches back.

Totally Unprofessional (41:48.356)
my god. Yeah, I went behind the pack of sack and I found this guy here. I was like, hey buddy, you okay? And then it just blew up.

Jack Skellington (41:59.194)
Yeah, you know, it was spectacular there, don't you know?

Totally Unprofessional (42:02.716)
don't you know? Shit. God. Well, I have a bit of a palate cleanser here. know, I am, shit, the bed, Fred. Yeah, that's not gonna happen tonight. Yeah.

Jack Skellington (42:11.016)
good.

Jack Skellington (42:14.854)
puppies running through a field of daisies. Little cute, little cute baby ducks swimming around in a pond. Isn't it lovely?

Totally Unprofessional (42:22.604)
Yeah, so I got a short one but a sweet one here. this has nothing to do with dead bodies, but it does have something to do with dead babies. Was cleaning out a text truck that was fired for a hit and run. We found a most particular, peculiar artifact inside of a Ziploc baggie contained multiple packets of the same two items. Astro Glide and Arby's Horsey Sauce.

We don't know why they were stored together.

Jack Skellington (42:51.462)
That's a combination.

Hahaha!

Totally Unprofessional (42:58.528)
That's it, that's the fucking story, man.

Jack Skellington (43:01.424)
Astragalic and horsie sauce.

Totally Unprofessional (43:02.63)
Astragalite and Horsea sauce. mean, I think a dude was going for the burn, man.

Jack Skellington (43:09.19)
Well, I tell you, with the color of the horsie sauce, if he wasn't able to finish, at least he can make it look like he did. Because if he kept that horsie sauce back in his hand, he could go, and it would look like, know, get a little Jackson Pollock on her derriere, and it would look like he did something.

Totally Unprofessional (43:15.594)
WHAT

Totally Unprofessional (43:22.526)
Ever since god, yes Jack, but it you know ever since I was the of the age of understanding I could not I can't and then to this day I cannot figure out for the life of me why they called it horsey sauce now I Get that dude I get the horseradish part, but come on man fucking horsey sauce that just sounds like somebody's jerking off, you know Secretariat and and put in a little you know, you know tenth of an ounce little portion portion

Jack Skellington (43:36.55)
It's horseradish and mayonnaise.

Jack Skellington (43:46.534)
And we've come full circle. We have come full circle.

Totally Unprofessional (43:51.052)
The portrait control!

Jack Skellington (43:53.934)
We've got full circle on that one.

Totally Unprofessional (43:56.012)
I have heard about the Kentucky Derby. single, yeah, little point of order here. Every single entry in this year's Kentucky Derby is a descendant of Secretariat.

Jack Skellington (44:08.22)
damn. No, I didn't. No, I'm talking about horsie sauce and making it look like skeet when you can't finish the job. And you said it looks like semen. So I said, we've come full circle. And it kind of smells like bleach. It kind of smells like bleach. And in a dark room, you can't really tell the difference. You just know there's something warm and white on you. I mean, it can be Activia for all I know.

Totally Unprofessional (44:09.281)
you didn't know that? I thought that's what you were going for.

Totally Unprofessional (44:19.242)
it does. Well, it don't look like semen. It looks like mayonnaise, but.

Totally Unprofessional (44:29.194)
Yeah, I'm sorry, yeah, horse, okay, yeah, we all know, know, horsey sauce, horse come, you know, we get that. But yeah, man, I shoot you not, I saw that this morning. Every single entry in this year's Kentucky Derby is a descendant of the great 1970s race horse, triple crown winner, Secretariat. Secretariat was a fucking beast, man. Yeah.

Jack Skellington (44:51.216)
Secretary, it was a stud.

Yeah, yeah.

Totally Unprofessional (44:56.396)
I don't think any horse out there could outrun Secretariat. It's one of those things, know, well, if Superman and King Kong had a fight, who would win? No, Secretariat would kick every horse's ass out.

Jack Skellington (45:11.087)
That's like the 100 men versus the silverback gorilla that's been going around the internet lately.

Totally Unprofessional (45:16.566)
That's actually entertaining to watch.

Jack Skellington (45:19.174)
I've never seen a 100-minute attack of silverback gorilla, but I guarantee you it's not going to go the way the guys think it's going to go.

Totally Unprofessional (45:25.344)
No, this is actually the one I saw was I think it was 10,000 men or no 10,000 silverbacks versus a million men or some shit like that and You know, it's like they all join into the field of battle, know much like the battle of Falkirk and Braveheart and just Yeah, those gorillas kicked their fucking ass but

Jack Skellington (45:39.971)
yeah, I've seen those.

Jack Skellington (45:47.14)
I saw one with a thousand grillers and one Chuck Norris. And we all know how that ended.

Totally Unprofessional (45:53.386)
Those gorillas were fucked, man. Absolutely. Okay. Yeah. I want to, want to, I want to go ahead and hit, hit you with another one. this is what, this is one that kind of hit me in the fields. because I think we've, know, if anybody's, if anybody, you know, that works in this thing of ours has any type of, you know, heart, I guess, this is, this is, you're going to feel this one. but.

Jack Skellington (45:54.734)
Yeah, they were. Chuck Norris totally fucking rolled over them.

Jack Skellington (46:02.885)
Okay.

Totally Unprofessional (46:22.892)
you know, even, you know, it's even, you know, the least of these type things, you know, you want, you, want to, you want to handle things in a, in a manner of respect and stuff. This is one of those situations where, um, you know, a person had to do what he had to do. And I would, you know, he, you know, this person let me know how, how he felt by doing this. And I let him know, I said,

Jack Skellington (46:41.146)
Right? Right?

Totally Unprofessional (46:52.776)
He goes, I hope you don't think less of me for doing this. And I told him, said, look man, I said, I would feel less of you if you didn't feel like you do right now. And, know, cause this hit me, cause there's been a couple situations where I had to do, I had to make a decision on the outcome of something in order to satisfy the customer, get control of the situation, et cetera. So.

Jack Skellington (47:02.704)
Mm-hmm.

Totally Unprofessional (47:17.534)
I've been in this dude's shoes and I know exactly what it, but let's just get right to the story so I can, so y'all can figure out what I'm talking about. I had a job where I worked for Big Box. A raccoon trapping and execution, only the euthanasia chamber at the office wasn't working. So my manager told me to get creative.

Jack Skellington (47:17.574)
you

Jack Skellington (47:21.776)
All right.

Totally Unprofessional (47:42.314)
I go to the site where I had caught the raccoon, middle of a town, no idea what I was going to do with this angry bastard. Just then I spotted a rain barrel.

The client's wife was already crying that it had to be put down. So I told her, I told him to keep her occupied in their garden. Plunk right in the rain.

Jack Skellington (48:05.56)
Mm.

Totally Unprofessional (48:06.708)
Only there wasn't enough water and the bastard kept sticking his nose out of the water.

I got my welding gloves out and I used a stick to hold it under while my other hand prying to its clinging to life paws off the cage to keep it under until the bubble stopped.

Now, I'm not a cruel man, but this is one of the most evil things I've done in my lifetime.

My heart was heavy for days knowing what I had done to this thing for the sake of getting the job done. Lesson learned, however, and everyone after that when I still handled wildlife was a 22 long rifle to the skull in my own backyard, which is great because that shuts them off. That shuts them off like flipping a light switch. It's not exactly the most epic story, but...

Jack Skellington (48:50.99)
Quick, quick, Right.

Totally Unprofessional (49:01.196)
God, I'm sorry. That was not the same story. anyway, so that's where it ends right there with the 22 long rifle. Dude, you and I have talked about this and I'm talking to the guy that sent me the story. I'm serious, and I would have thought less of you if you would have just kind of blown this off. But that tells me right there what kind of heart you got. And I am honored to call you a friend and you.

Jack Skellington (49:12.55)
Mmm. Mmm.

Totally Unprofessional (49:30.284)
You learn, you know, we all learn our lessons in really hideous ways. Mine was, yours was a raccoon. Mine was with some fledgling pigeons a few years back. But we get it. You I get it, man. I know exactly how you felt. We're in the business of unaliving things, but you know, we've got to remember, you know, everything's got a purpose here in the world.

Sometimes those purposes kind of clash and that's when we have to take action. My man, you did what you had to do and you did it the best way you knew. And I understand why you feel bad and I would have felt bad too, but you did not do the wrong thing.

Yeah, so that's really all I got.

Jack Skellington (50:25.092)
Now, you know, I actually read a science experiment, something that's performed on rats. They had put rats in to see how long they would swim before they ran out of energy and would drown. Now, I had a, told a story like that about rats in a trash can. I'm not going to go the whole story, but when the rats were starting to falter, they pulled the rats out, dried them off and warmed them up.

Totally Unprofessional (50:33.932)
huh.

Jack Skellington (50:54.542)
and then put them back in the water. Now, the rats swam for about three hours before they started faltering. But once they took them out, then put them back in, guess how much longer they swam for? Over 30 hours. Because they thought that there was a chance they were going to be rescued. So they gave it 110 % as long as humanly possible to stay alive for the hope of being rescued. So, wow.

Totally Unprofessional (51:16.438)
Mm-hmm.

Totally Unprofessional (51:21.152)
Yeah. Yeah. It is something. It's like, think we're dealing with, know, think we're dealing with ignorant objects and, know, just basically, you know, one, you know, maybe a couple of brain cells away from just being furniture when we're not, you know, everything has an instinct to survive.

Jack Skellington (51:45.882)
Right, right.

Totally Unprofessional (51:46.636)
Alright, well I think I've adequately brought the whole show down so let's move on. You haven't said it yet, Jack.

Jack Skellington (51:51.995)
Ha ha ha!

Jack Skellington (51:57.115)
I said painous when we were talking about the Tony Spangler's urethral sounding rod. I did say painous.

Totally Unprofessional (52:01.629)
Fuck you did didn't you you did didn't you okay? Yeah, thanks got a little heavy and I forgot

Jack Skellington (52:07.558)
That's all right. You know, I'll always talk about my penis.

Totally Unprofessional (52:11.112)
I know you will Jack and you know, and you know, it is is majestic like a bald eagle. so anyway, okay. I've got another one here, from, from down way down South and I mean way the fuck down South. It's not exactly the most epic story, but it's got a mildly morbid twist. I was servicing a major hospital and medical clinical network.

Jack Skellington (52:16.87)
It's a beautiful blindness, it really is.

Jack Skellington (52:29.041)
huh.

Totally Unprofessional (52:37.214)
And one Friday, the contract manager, let's call him Joe because it's been a while and I forgot the guy's real name. Gave me a call. He sounded frantic and he needed my help ASAP. Can I meet him that very day? Luckily I was near his office. So said, sure. I'll be there from five to 10. His reply, dude, I'm not at the office. I'm at St. John the Baptist cemetery. Can you come here instead? Me thinking, what the fuck? Okay.

20 minutes. He said, great, when you get there, ask the gravedigger to bring you to me. I said, right, cool, totally normal. So I arrive and sure enough, the gravedigger exports me to this British granite mausoleum. Joe standing there opens the mausoleum and says, look at this crap. That's never good when you have a gravedigger opening a mausoleum and saying, look at this crap, I'm sorry. hell no. Inside is basically a tiny chapel.

Jack Skellington (53:28.896)
Yeah, that's not what I would expect to hear.

Totally Unprofessional (53:35.476)
Walls and the floors are lined with two niches each one sealed with matching Granite slabs proudly displaying the name of its permanent resident and bronze and all of them Every single one are covered with subterranean termite tunnels crawling up the wall busting out of every crack. my god smell that jack Yeah, my name joe points to one of the tombs and says this lady right here, that's the mother of the

Jack Skellington (53:52.573)
boy.

Jack Skellington (53:56.838)
Money, I smell that money.

Jack Skellington (54:02.822)
Did you leave your vibrator on? Did you leave your vibrator?

Totally Unprofessional (54:05.722)
me? that's my phone. My daughter's calling me. Fuck it. Yeah, she wrecked her car yesterday so I really don't want to talk to her. She's fine. She's fine. Her meathead boyfriend did it. Each one is sealed with matching granite slabs proudly displaying the name of its permanent resident in bronze. And all of them, every single one are covered with subterranean termite tunnels crawling off the walls bursting out of every crack. Joe points to the tomb and says, this lady right... I'm...

Jack Skellington (54:07.212)
okay.

is she okay? Okay.

Totally Unprofessional (54:34.568)
I skipped a little bit, but you know what? That's fucking this lady right here. That's the mother of the owner of the company and this Sunday is Mother's Day. It comes every year to visit her. If he sees this mess, I'm out of a job and you're out of a contract. I told him I'd come back first thing next morning, do an emergency cleanup and we figure out a more permanent solution later. So they actually gave me and another tech show up bright and early. We scraped off every termite tunnel. Now that's dedication.

And I went around poking a long, skinny injector into every hole and crack, pumping in insecticide. And while I was doing it, I kept thinking, man, this is so wrong. I'm basically spraying Termidor straight into the faces of the dead. I couldn't help but imagine the guy's mom riddled with termites and now marinating in poison. What's it gonna hurt her? That mental image stuck with me for way too long. Anyway.

Jack Skellington (55:29.412)
Ha ha ha ha!

Totally Unprofessional (55:32.31)
We finished up, stepped outside and the Gravedigger was already waiting to patch the joints and clean everything up. Call Monday. Come Monday I'll call Joe and he said everything went great. The boss visited his mom, even thanked the Gravedigger and said the family mausoleum looked immaculate. Mission accomplished, pest control. Beyond the grave. Yes, very good. Thank you very much for that story. That was incredible.

Jack Skellington (55:54.146)
Nice! Very nice!

Totally Unprofessional (56:00.593)
and I'm still trying to figure out why termites would eat people.

Jack Skellington (56:04.407)
I don't know, there's those wasps that that, I mean the bees that don't use like dead meat or something? Yeah, so mean, they exist. Ugh, that's a nasty looking fucking hive.

Totally Unprofessional (56:12.043)
the flesh wasps or some shit like that? Yeah, I've seen many a meme on those. Many a meme.

Jack Skellington (56:22.298)
Well, next week is Mother's Day next weekend. in honor of mothers in the pest control industry, we're going to have two, well, we're to have more than two people, but two of the most awesome moms in pest control, our friends at the Pestrogen Podcast, we're going to have Candice Nordquist and Jenny Wilson.

Totally Unprofessional (56:26.61)
It is, is it not? Yes.

Totally Unprofessional (56:47.774)
And we're gonna end with Jenny Wilson. Yes, absolutely, my beloved cheese daughter is going to be on and we're gonna talk about her beloved cheese, my beloved cheese granddaughters. so, then Candice will also be on to talk about my beloved cheese nieces and niece and nephew. My cheese and chef you, if you will.

Jack Skellington (57:10.085)
Well, my running idea for the name of the show is Yo Mama.

Totally Unprofessional (57:15.52)
Yo, Baba.

Jack Skellington (57:16.366)
your mama and it's going to be about being a working mom in the pest control industry. come on. Okay, we'll work on it. But it's about being a mom in the industry, being a working mom and how you handle that and balance the life with having your kids and having the job too. So, and I thought it would be great to honor moms this coming week.

Totally Unprofessional (57:19.2)
Let's work on

Totally Unprofessional (57:23.094)
Yeah, we'll work on it.

Totally Unprofessional (57:33.988)
Yep. I think so too. Yeah, and we're also looking at another additional person on there. We'd like to get all things as one of our guests has kids that are younger in elementary school. We have another one that their kids are going through adolescence. And then we have hopefully a third whose kids have pretty much grown up and flown the nest. so we'd like to get every perspective on.

Jack Skellington (57:50.374)
Mm-hmm.

Jack Skellington (57:54.981)
Right.

Totally Unprofessional (57:59.75)
on on that and Candice says yes and he is wearing shirts now. I love it I mentioned one time about her boy not wearing shirts and and and it's been a running gag for years. God love them both. God love a Nord you know. So yeah that's good that's gonna be that's gonna be our topic for next week getting close to Mother's Day so we're looking forward to it and yeah Jack and I both have a tremendous amount of respect for.

Jack Skellington (58:05.476)
hahahaha

Jack Skellington (58:12.737)
Yeah

Jack Skellington (58:18.523)
Hell yeah.

Totally Unprofessional (58:29.014)
for moms and dads everywhere that are out there getting their shit done for this thing of ours and still managing to get home and spend some time with their babies. So yeah, absolutely. We love you all. so Jack, know, talk about, speaking of Pestrogen podcast, they've got a really good episode coming up this week, this next week regarding Lyme disease. so they're...

Jack Skellington (58:39.11)
That's right.

Jack Skellington (58:52.996)
Yeah, this time of year, very topical.

Totally Unprofessional (58:55.956)
Yeah, they're going to have a great guess who Anne's going to be on again. She was on one of their previous episodes regarding mosquitoes, but she's apparently a tip guru as well. So we're going to be talking about that. Jack does want to let all the ladies out there know that if any of them need to be checked for ticks, he's available. there you go, single right at an angle. So, Ayo, Pestred is just one of

Jack Skellington (59:03.483)
Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Jack Skellington (59:14.278)
I am. I am. Single as a Prangle.

Totally Unprofessional (59:25.152)
many excellent podcasts out there. Pest Perspectives with Sean Moller out across the pond over at the UK. That dude is the man. yep, exactly. Beauties and Beasties over there at the UK is another one. They have a great take on everything and they are willing to talk about anything. And matter of fact, Jack and I are both gonna be on that particular episode sometime. We fucking forget when, but we're gonna figure it out. But you can look for us there.

Jack Skellington (59:30.006)
that's awesome show. He is fucking love that guy.

Jack Skellington (59:38.991)
It is.

Jack Skellington (59:52.464)
Hahaha!

Totally Unprofessional (59:53.708)
We're also going to be on Pestrogen coming up here in the next month. Jack and I have got a lot of stuff going on and some of the great, great podcasts out there, License to Kill on the Discord server also has some pretty good podcasts also, that when they pop up, we'll always be sure to try to mention them on Pest Control, Humor Depot, my favorite group. And that goes with all the podcasts. We definitely, we love podcasts over at PCHD.

Jack Skellington (01:00:01.238)
We do.

Jack Skellington (01:00:20.71)
You do.

Totally Unprofessional (01:00:24.291)
And so, you know, we're willing to spread the gospel on them. so, yeah, we've got a lot of stuff going on. Next week, we're going to be talking to the mamas. maybe coming up on a future episode, we got to talk about flies, Jack, man, because I'm telling you what, I had a fucking great experience this week. You know, it got warm out here. A couple flies came into the house. My Max, my poor little boy.

Jack Skellington (01:00:40.579)
yeah.

Totally Unprofessional (01:00:51.104)
is definitely afraid of flies. He's a rescue dog. I figure that he was in some less than savory conditions and just basically became afraid of flies. He hides when they get in the house. Well, Alpine fly spot baked to the rescue. my God, last summer, I fucking, I fucking, okay, and don't judge me here for not cleaning my shit, but I sprayed my windowsill in my kitchen right above my sink with a little bit of that Alpine.

Jack Skellington (01:00:53.274)
Aww.

Jack Skellington (01:01:01.008)
Sure.

Jack Skellington (01:01:06.912)
I love that stuff!

Totally Unprofessional (01:01:19.852)
You know, because I always managed to gravitate right there. You know, by the end of the day, they're up on that shit. And I woke up this morning to two dead fucking flies on my window. So that shit is still, I'm talking at least a seven, eight month residual on that. And yeah, man, I was, I was stunned. So yeah, we're definitely, know, in light of that, we definitely got to talk flies. So that's going be an episode coming up sometime.

Jack Skellington (01:01:33.35)
Damn.

Jack Skellington (01:01:43.952)
I love watching that shit work. was at the back of my house a few years ago, the old house, and I sprayed it around the doorway because they were trying to get into the back. And when they hit that stuff and they hit the ground and start spinning around, you know, and they break, they break dance better than that Australian chick at the Olympics. The flies break dance. No, but the flies do it better than her. So I mean.

Totally Unprofessional (01:01:49.53)
yeah. yeah.

Totally Unprofessional (01:01:58.124)
it is great. It's great. I love it.

Totally Unprofessional (01:02:06.838)
She was good.

Hell yeah, they do you damn right they do yeah, so it's so yeah, so hey We got a lot of great stuff coming up you guys So it's it's you know you know so definitely stay tuned Appreciate everybody hanging out with us, and you know I also appreciate you bearing with us while we while we aired it a little bit later today So you know it's gonna fucking happen you guys don't pay us for this fuck it anyway, so

Jack Skellington (01:02:12.634)
That's how good that shit is.

Jack Skellington (01:02:32.112)
Yeah.

Jack Skellington (01:02:38.455)
Hahaha!

Totally Unprofessional (01:02:40.118)
Looking forward to talking to you again next week on Mother's Day, Mother's Day weekend. So on behalf of us over here at TFTC Live on Pest Control, Humor Depot, my favorite group on behalf of pesters and pest perspectives, beauties and beasties and all the other places, Jack and I respectfully ask you to bug the piss off.

Jack Skellington (01:03:01.52)
Bug off!